Help appreciated
 

Hello all, what i'm about to share is nothing to be proud of, and i would like to seek perspectives and advice from the community

Intro: 40s female, PR, married to SG guy with a P4 boy

History: known this guy when i was young. relationship was one big rollercoaster. before married, i actually ran away from this guy. however, being soft-hearted and thinking he would change after marriage, i proceeded to tie the knot. i realised it was a huge mistake after doing so. worse still, the son was an accident. after the son was born, it was basically me who singlehandedly raised him. my son sleeps with me every night. the spouse did nothing. some years back, my son even asked me: "why don't you divorce this man?" i'm not sure if he meant it or even remembers it today. whenever things happened eg. son is naughty in school, the spouse would only go: "your son this, your son that etc." called him out so many times for not performing his duties as a father, all i got in return was "i don't know what to do"

fast forward till recently (few months back). i met a single guy in my office and fell for him after getting to know him better. he is basically what i am looking for in a partner. unfortunately but not surprisingly, i was found out. the spouse even knows the topic of our communications (i suspect either my phone is bugged, or the spouse unlocked it while i'm not using. but this is another issue altogether). the spouse is now acting all goody-two-shoes with my parents, showing a side never seen before to them. to the point that my parents chide me for not treating him well. they tell me to bear with it, for the good of my son. whenever i discipline my son in front of my parents, the spouse will say things like "no you cannot be like this, have to talk gently to him etc." when back in the house, the usual nonsense comes out. everything i do, only will say "your boyfriend this, your boyfriend that etc." he has literally bought over my son with a game and my son has not been sleeping with me since. he has even said stuff to my son like "your mummy does not want you anymore, you must respect her choice etc". to me, this is utterly despicable. i have never said any such things to my son. is this considered weaponising the child? i would think so

currently, i am ignoring everything the spouse says as i see no point in communicating since everything i say or do will somehow be linked to the other party. every other day, the spouse keeps saying "you'd better make a choice. me or him." for the record, i have said countless times i totally regret going into this marriage and want a divorce, and i will choose neither guy. the spouse says this is bs and there is no such thing and now i am being blamed for dragging the situation. i am currently seeking counselling as my behaviour in the office is clearly affected. i am also no longer contacting the other party.

i am prepared to flip tables with my family if push comes to shove. they are aware of the spouse's character, but currently i am getting all blame due to the hypocrisy from the spouse. they have completely fallen for it. luckily, i still have a few close friends who are supportive. this spouse clearly is incapable of self-reflection and blames anything and everything else except himself. in this case, i am considering simply filing for divorce, but i am worried that the spouse will make trouble for the other party once the divorce papers arrive. i am at a loss, and at times have even thought of ending my life. i do not know how much longer i can hold out

i would like to seek perspectives and advice for me to hopefully proceed with the next steps. thank you all for reading through, and i appreciate all feedback, good or bad. if there are details i am missing, i will address them via replies to your posts. should anyone have recommendations for a divorce lawyer also, i would be very grateful. thank you

Ending your life is not a option nor a solution. You need to break this thought first and foremost.

Seek support from your close friends. You need to relieve your internal pressure and stress.

Let the actor act and the show goes on. There will be a time when the show will eventually end.

When that happens, I want you to be standing and watching.

Be independent and stay mentally strong.

Re: Help appreciated
 

TS is chinese malaysian, SG guy is chinese, single guy in office is chinese sg?

There is a huge difference between chinese and malay. And chinese women tend to like malay guys regardless of their behaviours and opinions. Even if negative and true comments about malays, chinese women adore them more and despise those who give these comments. And also there is a difference between sg, my and cn. Not going to elaborate further, u elaborate more yourself.

U need to know that 2 things make a clap. Not going to side either mars or venus this time.

Re: Help appreciated
 

Need to listen to your spouse version and your bf side of story

The insignificant nobody me will have to make presumptions in order to help you.

1. Your spouse had been providing his share for the family -house, utilities, bills, etc.

2. There would had been at least a level of love & intimacy to have gotten into marriage & even bearing a child

3. Perhaps the marriage of years had gotten stale, lacking in excitement of courtship years, so used to each other, that minor faults become major seemingly unresolvable contempt

4. That he is willing to be nicer to your parents proves he is capable of change & values the marriage still. You claimed he is weaponizing the child against you, but had you been weaponizing divorce against him?


Only in fairytales do couples lived happily ever after. In real life, it is no bed of roses daily. You are probably still attractive & sexually active, & will have no lack of men looking for a fling, but age is not a woman's friend. You would want a companion whom will hold your wrinkled hands & walk together in the journey of life in sunset years, & that man is the one whom had shared a life with you for decades, thru he'll & high waters...

You had taken the right 1sr step to seek counselling, but you have to be open minded to listen. They are pros but you may not be comfortable to reveal all to strangers face to face.

Thus you may need a neutral party to help you both, whom knew you both for years, to mend & Bridge divides. It won't be just 1 session, but many, as changes can only come over time, & not overnite.

Re: Help appreciated
 

Your spouse is a manipulative character, and he is not going to change. The environment is very toxic for your child if this situation keeps up. Confusion and anger will likely be his main emotions

If you can afford to see a lawyer, get one. Make a clean break and get as much custody, care and control of your son as you can.

Children need emotionally well adjusted caregivers and as far as possible a stable living environment. If divorce provides your son that, do it.

Unless you agree with William in that he can change and you can accept it.

I am on the other side of the fence in that I do not believe people like that are capable of change unless they seek help, which they never will unless they believe there is something wrong with their lives, which they never believe anyway.

The first couple of years was very hard for my son, but things got better and now in year 5, he’s doing better than he ever would have if his parents were still together.

Re: Help appreciated
 

need to listen to both side of the story

Re: Help appreciated
 

Sister

Before you decided to walk out, just make sure you are good to take care of yourself first.

Do a good and firm talk with your hubby. Tell him how you feel. Ask him how he feel. The talk should be in a calm and positive tone.

Make your decision in a firm manner. Whatever decision you have made, do it without regrets. Learn to move on.

Re: Help appreciated
 

You have one life. Thats all. If you are in your forties, you have one maybe two good decades left of good health and energy. What are you going to do with it? Spend it with this spouse? Thats all you need to ask yourself and answer. Never mind friends, family, the other BF all of it. In the end everyone has their own life and has to live with themselves. Its up to you to decide what that looks like for you. Nobody here is living your life and can tell you what you should do. But good luck in whatever you decide.

Re: Help appreciated
 

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Re: Help appreciated
 

Need to hear other side of story.
It just seems that this story is somehow..... incomplete.

Oh and dont ever wait till someone else appears then decide about ending a relationship. It messes your mind up very much.
If you cant endure the relationship, leave.
Can endure and want to stay, then stay.
Not stay..... till someone else appears then think about leaving.
You will end up thinking "what the hell did you leave the previous relationship for?"
you leave a relationship, because its bad. you cant live in it anymore.
not because "someone else appeared".......

Re: Help appreciated
 

Your husband is not good...but Sis - you have wronged as well. It's important to keep this in mind. A marriage afterall takes 2 hands to clap and its clear here that is no longer the case.

From your narrative - there is no point in being together. People get married for the sake of having children and if he is so indifferent to the kid then there is no way he would ever improve in the future.

Your best option is to cut loss and seek a divorce. He would probably give you custody of the child since he is so indifferent. Monetary wise this might be a hit so work something out in terms of child maintenance. As a female you are protected by Woman's Charter but don't expect the moon here as he probably has evidence of your indiscretions outside which would be weighed against you in the judgement.

Re: Help appreciated
 

The court passes no moral judgements on such things and assigns no extra compensation to the aggrieved on the basis of being ‘morally wronged’. Everything must be measurable and quantifiable in order to be awarded.

Don’t go around spreading misinformation.

Re: Help appreciated
 

Not advice for TS but from what I hear, husband is a hypocrite and asshole. End of story.

Re: Help appreciated
 

Returned and ready for more