Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Anne]

Thank you for jokes.

[kakinang]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks for old times sake. He hires a prostitute, takes her up to a room and goes at it as best as he can for a guy his age.

After a couple of minutes he asks, "How am I doing?"

The prostitute replies, "Well sailor, you're doing about three knots."

"Three knots?" He asks. "What's that supposed to mean?"

She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in and you're knot getting your money back."

This is best LOL

[CouldBeMe]

Originally Posted by kakinang

This is best LOL

Agrees as well

[FrancoisYeap]

Originally Posted by kakinang

This is best LOL

Same here too

[singlad]

great one, thanks.

[PrataMaiHum]

Thanks for all the jokes bro bigbirdbird

[CouldBeHer]

Originally Posted by PrataMaiHum

Thanks for all the jokes bro bigbirdbird

Agree with you as well

[bigbirdbird]

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week.

When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest.

The theme: Viagra Advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 list. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone!

The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
8. Viagra, like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, Home of the whopper
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan
1.This is your peepee... This is your peepee on drugs

[bigbirdbird]

Breakfast was a very late affair that day and the husband and wife were fragile indeed -- badly hung over from a particularly wild party the night before.

Bleary eyed, with two trembling hands holding his very black coffee, our hero said to his wife, "Was it you I had sex with in the garden last
night?"

She struggled to bring him into focus. "About what time?" she replied

[bigbirdbird]

As I lay me down to sleep
I pray for a woman who's very cheap.

One who's sexy, blonde and long.
Who notices that she's mostly wrong.

One who sucks and doesn't speak.
And promises to do so at least once a week.

I pray that she is very randy,
'cause one like that would come in pretty handy.

Opens her legs and lies on the floor,
and once I'm done, she wants no more.

Oh, send me a woman who will
not play with my mind.
Who knows what she wants and
that's a LOT from behind!

One who'll screw till my body's a twitchin'
and brings me a beer when she
comes from the kitchen!

I pray that she'll last right up to the end,
And would never complain when I do her best friend.

Thanks in advance and you know I can't wait,
so I'll screw all the rest 'cause it's never too late.

[bigbirdbird]

Be Careful When You Masturbate!

Let's just say, *hypothetically,* that I decided to flog my dolphin last night just before retiring for the evening.

And let's just say that when I went to pee in the morning, some dried manchowder might have dried up around the opening to my prick, blocking the flow of urine.

And let's just say that that blockage, might have caused urine to back up inside my rod for a second or two, creating an unusually fierce spray of piss pressure once said blockage was busted.

And let's just say that this high velocity piss-stream shot off at a 45-degree angle to the left because of said blockage.

Let's just imagine that this 45-degree angle cause me to hit the ear of the cat who was perched not too far away, causing said cat to FLIP OUT, screech, and perform a 4-legged leap with a half-twist and quarter roll (difficulty of 6.8).

Let's just say there may have been an empty glass resting on the back of the toilet, which may or may not have been tossed off the back of the toilet by said cat in the aforementioned jump.

That glass, we might say, falls really close to my foot, lodging a small shard of glass into my left foot.

This lodging of said glass shard may have caused me to immediately grab said left foot, creating a situation of hopping on one leg (while still relieving myself, mind you) on a tile surface which is becoming increasingly wetter by the second.

Let's just say that it only takes a few hops on one foot on a slippery surface to end a physical event of such fashion.

AND LET'S JUST SAY that once my foot was taken out from underneath me, that I crashed into the shower door, knocking it off it's tracks and causing me to fall in the shower and somehow ending in a back down, face up position, legs elevated, with blood running down my leg, pee streaming down my body to my neck, and a new head-welt with massive headache to boot.

Let this be a lesson to you, next time you feel like rubbing your pole.

[pusslover49]

Thanks bigbirdbird for all the jokes

[MightBeYou]

Wonder how long I'll take to finish reading everything ....

[UnderControl]

Originally Posted by pusslover49

Thanks bigbirdbird for all the jokes

Yes very nice of him

[ControlMe]

Originally Posted by pusslover49

Thanks bigbirdbird for all the jokes

bigbirdbird de best!!!!