How badly financially ruined is life after divorce?

[coolmanspooky]

Originally Posted by rix6669

How about the cpf payback? She wanted to sell, then wants the house now. She's not even working, how she's gonna take loan to take over the balance loan?

Doesnt she has to buy over my share? Plus I don't have cash to put back to my own cpf.

Its either you give up your share or sell the house to split

[Hurricane88]

Originally Posted by rix6669

We have decided to proceed to divorce.
8yrs marriage, 1 new kid.

Here a few threads that discussed extensively that you can read and follow

https://sbfjust.rocks/showthr...e+settleme nt

https://sbfjust.rocks/showthr...e+settleme nt

https://sbfjust.rocks/showthr...eme nt&page=6

https://sbfjust.rocks/showthr...e+settleme nt

https://sbfjust.rocks/showthr...e+settleme nt

[rix6669]

Originally Posted by larue

Prepare excel spreadsheet with details going back as far as you can remember.

Mortgage contributions, how much you spend each month on the household etc.

Bring them all to an experienced lawyer who can advise you on what a reasonable settlement is based on individual contributions and your ability to pay. They will usually have a proposal for you in an hour. Get a second opinion if you don’t like what you hear.

Good thing for you she’s only stopped working for a year.

Regardless of the rubbish that gets spewed here all day long regarding divorce, the court will always expect the ex-wife to become self sufficient rather than depend on the husband forever.

Unless you’ve been giving her a Tai tai lifestyle for decades which doesn’t sound like it.

There’s no such thing as the court passing moral judgement on either party and awarding that party more on any moral justice grounds.

If what you’ve said about her character is true, she will fight you tooth and nail, and also use your child as a weapon against you.

The good thing for you is that your child is one. Do it now if you must, or wait till he/she is mature. How much do you want to suffer?

You will suffer economically for sure, but no one can tell you how much based on the information you’ve given.

Yes I've recorded down the big tickets stuff in the beginning. Financially I've contributed 4 times more than her. Say she put $50k, I put $200k.

But indirect contribution is hard to gauge. She clean the floor and tidy up the house, throwing the trash. And now taking care of baby.

I only work on the less frequent duty like toilet cleaning, window cleaning, we do our own laundry. I wash my own dishes and cooking. She wash her own dishes.
She doesn't cook for me too.

Does fetching her from work counts? Done that daily for 2 or 3 years previously.

I know I have a big share for direct contribution easily 90%.
But indirect contribution seems Abit vague. Trying to gauge my contribution in the case she decide to contest and fight.

[rix6669]

Originally Posted by coolmanspooky

Its either you give up your share or sell the house to split

But if I give up, my used cpf still need to payback?

I don't intend to give up, I put too much in financially to give everything up. And I don't owe her at all, she just always negative n perfectionist so nothing is ever good enough.

If I give up, I wouldn't be able to get place until probably next 5-8 years to save up enough. Cash n cpf.

[coolmanspooky]

Originally Posted by rix6669

But if I give up, my used cpf still need to payback?

I don't intend to give up, I put too much in financially to give everything up. And I don't owe her at all, she just always negative n perfectionist so nothing is ever good enough.

If I give up, I wouldn't be able to get place until probably next 5-8 years to save up enough. Cash n cpf.

If you give up, it means when house is sold in future, your contribution towards the house in the past will go everything to your ex spouse...no need to payback

[afterburn]

Originally Posted by rix6669

Almost throughout. We are not compatible to start with.

After child born, things get worst that I want out. I have no control or say in the house. She has trust issue, anything everything has to find people(me usually) to blame. Changed a few nanny's during confinement. Postbirth depression but refused medicine from doctor.

Felt like being used for shelter and financial. No longer a mutual working relationship. Deny everything Ive done,providing meals for months is all false according to her. Now she keep claiming I do nothing to help her and baby.

Women if don't work, their character can swing to the extreme, as you've found out.

If they go to work, at least outside there is a stabilizing influence from external parties, colleagues, that prevents their behaviours from going haywire, anti-social, too emotional, etc.

[larue]

Originally Posted by rix6669

Yes I've recorded down the big tickets stuff in the beginning. Financially I've contributed 4 times more than her. Say she put $50k, I put $200k.

But indirect contribution is hard to gauge. She clean the floor and tidy up the house, throwing the trash. And now taking care of baby.

I only work on the less frequent duty like toilet cleaning, window cleaning, we do our own laundry. I wash my own dishes and cooking. She wash her own dishes.
She doesn't cook for me too.

Does fetching her from work counts? Done that daily for 2 or 3 years previously.

I know I have a big share for direct contribution easily 90%.
But indirect contribution seems Abit vague. Trying to gauge my contribution in the case she decide to contest and fight.

Indirect contribution is the part that is hardest to gauge, but my own lawyer advised me that once the working spouse is able to leave the child with the mother to go to work every day without ‘worrying’, it counts for quite a lot even if she never cooked for the husband, or didn’t spend however many hours a day doing cleaning, laundry etc barring the most exceptional of circumstances.

No one can decide that but the judge, but again highly experienced lawyers will probably be able to give you a good guess.

If you are prepared for a 60:40 split at the worst, or possibly even 50:50, I think you’re good to go. I cannot possibly imagine you’d get less than that in matrimonial asset division, but of course I’m neither lawyer nor judge.

Child and spousal maintenance on the other hand will depend on your income, your spouse’s potential income and a whole host of other factors. But no matter how much she contests, the court will not award more than what they consider reasonable and within your ability to pay.

There’s certainly no such thing as the court expecting you to give her a free ride for life.

I’m not familiar with the financial mechanics of retaining the matrimonial home, jointly or individually after a divorce so I can’t comment on that.

The other thing you need to consider is that she will almost certainly get Care and control of your child (meaning child stays with her and she makes the day to day life decisions).

Custody will almost certainly be joint, but that’s only for big ticket decision making, like major schooling decisions.

If she’s the sort of character you have presented her to be, she will likely badmouth you and your entire family, try to withhold your access to your child.

After all what are you going to do if she simply refuses to let you see your own child? You’d have to go to the court, and/or make a real scene with her in front of your child.

It is possible, and it has happened to many men that they become estranged from their own children from these sort of action.

Are you prepared to accept this possible outcome? The possibility that their mind has been so poisoned against you it is better for you to not be a part of their life?

[larue]

Originally Posted by afterburn

Women if don't work, their character can swing to the extreme, as you've found out.

If they go to work, at least outside there is a stabilizing influence from external parties, colleagues, that prevents their behaviours from going haywire, anti-social, too emotional, etc.

Yes, so true. I regret ever having given in to my ex wife’s desire to quit working ‘for the sake of the child’.

Terrible decision, almost every human being needs to work, to suffer and not have too much free time.

[larue]

Originally Posted by rix6669

Almost throughout. We are not compatible to start with.

After child born, things get worst that I want out. I have no control or say in the house. She has trust issue, anything everything has to find people(me usually) to blame. Changed a few nanny's during confinement. Postbirth depression but refused medicine from doctor.

Felt like being used for shelter and financial. No longer a mutual working relationship. Deny everything Ive done,providing meals for months is all false according to her. Now she keep claiming I do nothing to help her and baby.

I see, I was just wondering if it was only postnatal depression that caused a behaviour change.

Anyway only you know yourself whether you should leave or stay.

In my case, after over 5 years things have finally worked out. Everybody is happier and my child is turning out much better than if his parents had stayed together just for the sake of it.

But it was a lot of suffering for all for a long time, and while I do not regret my decision, I can only say I’d think a lot harder and longer about making the same choice if it was put to me again.

Don’t be hasty. Don’t jump out as easily and carelessly as you jumped in.

[kt88_2]

Originally Posted by rix6669

How about the cpf payback? She wanted to sell, then wants the house now. She's not even working, how she's gonna take loan to take over the balance loan?

Doesnt she has to buy over my share? Plus I don't have cash to put back to my own cpf.

She can ask , for hdb,u can opt to gave her Yr shares of it but cpf there u need sign a form u agreed to transfer to her if she wants all n u intend not to contest,outstanding loan she has to pay

[kt88_2]

Contested divorceclawyer fees is 3k above depend on how complex it is

[rix6669]

Originally Posted by larue

Indirect contribution is the part that is hardest to gauge, but my own lawyer advised me that once the working spouse is able to leave the child with the mother to go to work every day without ‘worrying’, it counts for quite a lot even if she never cooked for the husband, or didn’t spend however many hours a day doing cleaning, laundry etc barring the most exceptional of circumstances.

No one can decide that but the judge, but again highly experienced lawyers will probably be able to give you a good guess.

If you are prepared for a 60:40 split at the worst, or possibly even 50:50, I think you’re good to go. I cannot possibly imagine you’d get less than that in matrimonial asset division, but of course I’m neither lawyer nor judge.

Child and spousal maintenance on the other hand will depend on your income, your spouse’s potential income and a whole host of other factors. But no matter how much she contests, the court will not award more than what they consider reasonable and within your ability to pay.

There’s certainly no such thing as the court expecting you to give her a free ride for life.

I’m not familiar with the financial mechanics of retaining the matrimonial home, jointly or individually after a divorce so I can’t comment on that.

The other thing you need to consider is that she will almost certainly get Care and control of your child (meaning child stays with her and she makes the day to day life decisions).

Custody will almost certainly be joint, but that’s only for big ticket decision making, like major schooling decisions.

If she’s the sort of character you have presented her to be, she will likely badmouth you and your entire family, try to withhold your access to your child.

After all what are you going to do if she simply refuses to let you see your own child? You’d have to go to the court, and/or make a real scene with her in front of your child.

It is possible, and it has happened to many men that they become estranged from their own children from these sort of action.

Are you prepared to accept this possible outcome? The possibility that their mind has been so poisoned against you it is better for you to not be a part of their life?

I'm definitely be happy with 60-40. 50-50 is doable but if it can help reduce the alimony, I'm good with it so long it's enough for my next house downpayment.

I just can't give up my share, Im paying the housing loan alone and my cpf OA doesn't grow for years. To restart is quite late for me, imagine buying a flat 5 or 7yrs from now.

Care and control and joint custody I'm prepared. In fact Im even prepared to lose the child when I take the first step to make this divorce happen. It's sad, but it's more painful emotionally to come home now.

What are the percentage of alimony usually if my pay fall around $4-5k range? 20%?

If she starts working, her salary estimate likely $3-4k.

[larue]

Originally Posted by rix6669

What are the percentage of alimony usually if my pay fall around $4-5k range? 20%?

If she starts working, her salary estimate likely $3-4k.

There is child support, and spousal maintenance. They are separate things and obviously child support does not apply to childless divorces. In your case both will certainly apply.

How much each is, and how much both are combined depend on various things such as the child’s needs, your ex wife might need until she is able to become economically self sufficient, whether or not you are financially supporting parents, disabled siblings etc, and of course how much you will need for your own subsistence.

Again, an experienced lawyer will be able to advise on reasonable, and unreasonable figures look like in your situation.

[rix6669]

What about male or female lawyer to engage?
I've been thinking but really unsure which is a better choice in reality. If female lawyer may tend to side with women more and give a bigger figure for alimony?

[coolmanspooky]

Get a male one if I were you...also you have to consider a place to stay...rental and etc